Fuck, fuck, fuck and oh yeah - fuck.

Seriously turning here to rant, rave, vent, cry and just get some of this shit out.  I cannot even begin to express how my heart breaks for so many people in my life and out there in this wide world, but especially teens and young adults.  I have so many friends that have children that are struggling so much right now. 

I know that the pandemic is real, but it's the silent one that is sneaking up on all of else that has me up at night.  So many friends have their kids in therapy right now.  Some that are beginning to show signs of anxiety and depression, eating disorders, self harming, attempts to self terminate.  All of the bases are covered in the worst possible way.

My youngest had an appointment with her psychiatrist today and we going to try a 3rd antidepressant.  She was in tears and hurting herself tonight because she didn't want to take it because she doesn't think this one will be any better.  This one also has a side effect of stimulating appetite which is putting her newly developing eating disorder into a tailspin.  I know the only reason she took the pill was because I started crying.  I don't know how to help her.  

We are going into 2 years of therapy and she is only getting worse.  Started this journey trying to help her manage her anxiety and panic attacks (which she is handling like a fucking rock star!) and now we have severe depression and not eating to the point where she is no longer hungry.  She had been limiting her intake, which of course  I did not notice to full blown not eating at all (I did notice that one).  Since she has turned up the volume so to speak she has lost 19 pounds in about 6 weeks.  

Thank God we had an appointment with her pediatrician about her blood pressure issues and she noticed the weight loss since her last appointment and she asked her about it.  We were going to talk to her therapist about it the day before, but that appointment got cancelled.

So now her pediatrician, psychiatrist, therapist are on board and we are waiting for the specialized eating disorder therapist to contact us once he has all of her info and ducks in a row.

I am absolutely shitting myself over the number of people that I know personally and see or talk to on a daily basis that have a child in crisis...and they know 2 people...and they know 2 people...like a bad Faberge Organics Shampoo commercial...

I feel like she is a newborn again and I have to sneak into her room at night to see if she is ok.

so, yeah - just - fuck. 

 

It's been a long time...

 Well, hello there...

It's been a long time...

 a really, really, really long time.

As I sit here, sipping on my peanut butter whiskey (made by Screwball, go check them out - I hate whiskey, but this stuff tastes like the inside of a Reese's peanut butter cup!) I realized that I haven't posted in forever and in these crazy times, what else am I gonna do?  It's not like I don't have the time...I might not have the motivation or the talent, but when has that ever stopped me before?

It has been really interesting to go back and read thru my earlier posts and some of the comments that I missed.  Sorry folks, if I had seen them, I would have actually responded.

I could post how many different ways that this year and last year have sucked, but quite frankly I don't have the energy.  I am thankful that I have my family, a roof over our heads, food in the pantry and that the hubs and I still have our jobs.

One of the major standout life sucking items tho - the girls and I got an interesting diagnosis the end of 2019 that we were trying to get our heads around  before the ol' poo hit the fan.  My youngest has had various issues over the years involving her joints and chronic pain which led us to a geneticist and the verdict of Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome.  

Fun fact...it's genetic...another fun fact, I gave it to her...and her sister...kind of...

Went to that appointment with the geneticist armed with information - paternal history, photographic proof and prior doctors appointment, ready to prove that the hubby (long story and prior visit to geneticist) did this to her...karma - you are indeed a bitch and you have very big teefs.

While this has connected a lot of dots for them and myself about different issues we have had over the years, it just fucking sucks.  

As I continue to research and go down the google rabbit hole...articles, videos, support groups...it doesn't seem to get much better.

Rare(ish) disorder - check (1 in 5,000, thank God we don't have the vascular kind!)

No known cure or treatment other than management of symptoms - check

50% chance they can pass it along - check

Anxiety, depression, early onset osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, dysmenorrhea (painful periods), chronic pain, chronic fatigue, ETC...(these are some just our "main" symptoms). - check and check

It's like the gift, that keeps on giving.

Meanwhile for the oldest one...not quite hEDS, but undetermined Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder with 4 out of 7 markers for Marfan Syndrome - Marfan Body Habitus.

Good news- everyone one had an echocardiogram and everyone's hearts look good!

Bad news - we still have a connective tissue disorder with semi-defective collagen...collagen that just happens to make up 30% of the human body...

Ok, enough of the pity party.  Just needed to grab the festivus pole a little early and air this grievance.

Gearing up for 2016

 

Trying once again to start the new year off right.

Eating better, exercising more, blah, blah, blah...

 

Last year pretty much sucked ass for the most part

and quite frankly, 2016 ain't starting off so good...

 

So far this year, I seemed to have developed alcohol intolerance...

I am not of Asian decent, so "Asian Flush"is out,

but now, when I drink - I turn red and get hot all over...

Trust me, when I was in my 20s this probably seen as a good thing...not so much when rapidly approaching the BIG 50

 

How am I going to drown my grief over my father's passing, perimenopause symptoms and bemoan the fact that I have a 9 year old that acts like she's 21?!

 

This totally sucks - I LOVE BEER and CIDERS!!!!!

Not just drinking to drink but actually pairing my food with my drink, enjoying an adult beverage while soaking in the tub with a book, meeting with friends on the weekend to share whatever treasures were found during the week...

 

Looks like I will be eating healthier and exercising more now whether I like it or not...

Needs some foodgasms and endorphins...I'll look great, but don't expect me to be happy about it...

Maybe all the money I will save on alcohol can go towards a new wardrobe?!

 

I would take some before pics to really appreciate the after pics, but I am too pissed off...



Third verse, same as the first...Take this job and shove it!

Yes, once again I have quit my job...

Damn near the same one I quit the first time last year...

Then again in April...

 

A shit-ton of things have happened in between...

the most major being that my father passed away.

 

What I learned from his life and from his passing, is that I really don't have to take anyone's shit.

While I know living my life is the longest thing I will ever do,

it doesn't have to be lived in misery.

 

I choose what I want to wear each day, what I want to eat, what route I want to take...

why should I let some miserable bitch dictate my work life?!

 

Truth is - I don't have to

 

I live just outside San Diego, CA

Do you have any idea how many freaking jobs are out there?!

 

While I loved what I did and most of the people that I did it with, one person was ruining it for everyone.

I wish I was exaggerating, but 'm really not.

 

10 people have quit or been let go in 1 year...it's math people...

look for the common denominator and you will find it.

But, you have to look for it and actually SEE it.

A rotten apple really can ruin the whole cart.

 

I am going to stay home. 

Make yummy (moderately healthy) meals for my family.

Stay off of the California freeway system.

Clean and organize my house (already painted the kitchen and 1/2 the dining room)

Clip more coupons.

Buy more Groupons

Start making quilted fabric Christmas ornaments and hitting the local craft show circuit with my #1 sister in law (she was the first casualty of this war)

 

First day of the rest of my life starts October 22nd!

 

 

 

Starting over...again - Groundhog Day

New Year

New Life

New Goals

New Budget

 

Same old Shit

 

Lord, I hope not...

 

2014 ended in a completely shitty, fucked up...I can't believe this is happening to me kind of way...

My husband got laid off two weeks before Christmas

(did I mention he's the breadwinner- by a longshot?!)

(oh yeah - don't forget I quite my job last month,,,,)

They cancelled his insurance...for our whole family midnight the NEXT day

(yes, this while completely FUCKED up, it is completely legal)

 

the next day was our 22nd Anniversary...we tried to blow up our house.

Both of us were out of it and watched him wire up our new stove (gift from the parents)

...you got it - COMPLETELY wrong

but did that stop us?!

No - we plugged that fucker in!

 

and then

 

darkness

 

We live in a townhouse, couldn't get to the panel outside, had to call SDG&E

They got us up and running.

Anniversary I will never forget.

 

2015 isn't starting off much better...

I am working some.

They wouldn't let me quit all the way, so there is a huge blessing in disguise.

Hubby has a contingency offer or employment, but not until June and it's in L.A.

No unemployment yet and they processed the kids insurance stuff but not ours even though we submitted the same day...

 

But - it could be worse...

My dad went into surgery on January 7th to stent around 2 aneurisms...

then he bled into his abdomen - emergency surgery

then when they checked him the next day part of his small intestine died - more surgery

they took out 15 cm of small intestine and his gall bladder

then he had an a-fib problem that was fixed today with a drip

 he's on dialysis and he keeps trying to force the ventilator tube out with his tongue

they may perform a tracheotomy of him tomorrow

guess I should stop bitching...

  

Letting it go...kind of...

I mostly left my job right before Thanksgiving...

We negotiated me down to one day and week in the office

 and working from home the rest of the week.

Guess someone finally realized that if I am not working my 10- 20 hours every week...

someone else was going to have to  do it!

 

It may not be much, but it will let me make my car payment and keep the kiddos in art class

Wolf in watercolors by the Boo Boo - 8 years 

Hedgehog in oil pastels by the Bubba - 14 years

And since they pretty much rock this whole art thing...

I will suck up working with a bunch of bitchy control freaks.

 

Actually started making real dinners, packing lunches everyday except pizza day and getting my crafty on.

Can't wait to see where all this will take me!



Channeling my inner Caddy Shack

 

 

I wanted a change...

and boy am I getting it!

It's time to be the ball...

Fulfill my own destiny...

Quit my job!

 

My last day will be November 25th and then I am gearing up to go into the memory quilt business!

I love to sew!

Have done it for years.

My first job was to make cording for my mom's slip cover business when I was 9 years old.

Sitting on the front porch sewing my little fingers off for a whopping 10 cents/yard!

Made Barbie clothes, my own clothes (still wear a shirt that I made as a junior in high school), blankets, basic slip covers, quilts...etc.

I have boxes of stuff set aside to make quilts for my own girls and now I am going to do it!

Besides - I need before and after shots!

Have a few friends that I am going to do quilts for here and then I'm hitting etsy!

I will never be rich

I may not even be that successful...

But I will never be disrespected in the work force again.

It has been 17 years since I last cried and work...I quit that job.

And now I am quitting this one.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

I have a father who is very ill

I have a great friend who just completed her last chemo and getting ready to start radiation...she has 3 kids and is only 37 years old.

There are so many uncertainties in life

So many things that can make can make us happy, why on earth would I willingly go out of my way to go someplace that makes me cry?

A little thing about me - I don't cry...hardly ever...the hubby jokes that I am part Vulcan. 

 I just don't do tears...

If you see my crying, it's usually because I am frustrated and can't punch anyone.

Or I am being thrown into a meeting the minute I walk in the door to be told I am being insubordinate...

when all I did was follow directions clearly laid out in an email.

I would rather save the money I spend in gas and collect cans on the side of the road for the CA CRV (5 cents each baby!)

then work in a place that chastises you for following their rules...

I need logic and that shit doesn't  make sense.