Fuck, fuck, fuck and oh yeah - fuck.

Seriously turning here to rant, rave, vent, cry and just get some of this shit out.  I cannot even begin to express how my heart breaks for so many people in my life and out there in this wide world, but especially teens and young adults.  I have so many friends that have children that are struggling so much right now. 

I know that the pandemic is real, but it's the silent one that is sneaking up on all of else that has me up at night.  So many friends have their kids in therapy right now.  Some that are beginning to show signs of anxiety and depression, eating disorders, self harming, attempts to self terminate.  All of the bases are covered in the worst possible way.

My youngest had an appointment with her psychiatrist today and we going to try a 3rd antidepressant.  She was in tears and hurting herself tonight because she didn't want to take it because she doesn't think this one will be any better.  This one also has a side effect of stimulating appetite which is putting her newly developing eating disorder into a tailspin.  I know the only reason she took the pill was because I started crying.  I don't know how to help her.  

We are going into 2 years of therapy and she is only getting worse.  Started this journey trying to help her manage her anxiety and panic attacks (which she is handling like a fucking rock star!) and now we have severe depression and not eating to the point where she is no longer hungry.  She had been limiting her intake, which of course  I did not notice to full blown not eating at all (I did notice that one).  Since she has turned up the volume so to speak she has lost 19 pounds in about 6 weeks.  

Thank God we had an appointment with her pediatrician about her blood pressure issues and she noticed the weight loss since her last appointment and she asked her about it.  We were going to talk to her therapist about it the day before, but that appointment got cancelled.

So now her pediatrician, psychiatrist, therapist are on board and we are waiting for the specialized eating disorder therapist to contact us once he has all of her info and ducks in a row.

I am absolutely shitting myself over the number of people that I know personally and see or talk to on a daily basis that have a child in crisis...and they know 2 people...and they know 2 people...like a bad Faberge Organics Shampoo commercial...

I feel like she is a newborn again and I have to sneak into her room at night to see if she is ok.

so, yeah - just - fuck. 

 

It's been a long time...

 Well, hello there...

It's been a long time...

 a really, really, really long time.

As I sit here, sipping on my peanut butter whiskey (made by Screwball, go check them out - I hate whiskey, but this stuff tastes like the inside of a Reese's peanut butter cup!) I realized that I haven't posted in forever and in these crazy times, what else am I gonna do?  It's not like I don't have the time...I might not have the motivation or the talent, but when has that ever stopped me before?

It has been really interesting to go back and read thru my earlier posts and some of the comments that I missed.  Sorry folks, if I had seen them, I would have actually responded.

I could post how many different ways that this year and last year have sucked, but quite frankly I don't have the energy.  I am thankful that I have my family, a roof over our heads, food in the pantry and that the hubs and I still have our jobs.

One of the major standout life sucking items tho - the girls and I got an interesting diagnosis the end of 2019 that we were trying to get our heads around  before the ol' poo hit the fan.  My youngest has had various issues over the years involving her joints and chronic pain which led us to a geneticist and the verdict of Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome.  

Fun fact...it's genetic...another fun fact, I gave it to her...and her sister...kind of...

Went to that appointment with the geneticist armed with information - paternal history, photographic proof and prior doctors appointment, ready to prove that the hubby (long story and prior visit to geneticist) did this to her...karma - you are indeed a bitch and you have very big teefs.

While this has connected a lot of dots for them and myself about different issues we have had over the years, it just fucking sucks.  

As I continue to research and go down the google rabbit hole...articles, videos, support groups...it doesn't seem to get much better.

Rare(ish) disorder - check (1 in 5,000, thank God we don't have the vascular kind!)

No known cure or treatment other than management of symptoms - check

50% chance they can pass it along - check

Anxiety, depression, early onset osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, dysmenorrhea (painful periods), chronic pain, chronic fatigue, ETC...(these are some just our "main" symptoms). - check and check

It's like the gift, that keeps on giving.

Meanwhile for the oldest one...not quite hEDS, but undetermined Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder with 4 out of 7 markers for Marfan Syndrome - Marfan Body Habitus.

Good news- everyone one had an echocardiogram and everyone's hearts look good!

Bad news - we still have a connective tissue disorder with semi-defective collagen...collagen that just happens to make up 30% of the human body...

Ok, enough of the pity party.  Just needed to grab the festivus pole a little early and air this grievance.

Gearing up for 2016

 

Trying once again to start the new year off right.

Eating better, exercising more, blah, blah, blah...

 

Last year pretty much sucked ass for the most part

and quite frankly, 2016 ain't starting off so good...

 

So far this year, I seemed to have developed alcohol intolerance...

I am not of Asian decent, so "Asian Flush"is out,

but now, when I drink - I turn red and get hot all over...

Trust me, when I was in my 20s this probably seen as a good thing...not so much when rapidly approaching the BIG 50

 

How am I going to drown my grief over my father's passing, perimenopause symptoms and bemoan the fact that I have a 9 year old that acts like she's 21?!

 

This totally sucks - I LOVE BEER and CIDERS!!!!!

Not just drinking to drink but actually pairing my food with my drink, enjoying an adult beverage while soaking in the tub with a book, meeting with friends on the weekend to share whatever treasures were found during the week...

 

Looks like I will be eating healthier and exercising more now whether I like it or not...

Needs some foodgasms and endorphins...I'll look great, but don't expect me to be happy about it...

Maybe all the money I will save on alcohol can go towards a new wardrobe?!

 

I would take some before pics to really appreciate the after pics, but I am too pissed off...



Third verse, same as the first...Take this job and shove it!

Yes, once again I have quit my job...

Damn near the same one I quit the first time last year...

Then again in April...

 

A shit-ton of things have happened in between...

the most major being that my father passed away.

 

What I learned from his life and from his passing, is that I really don't have to take anyone's shit.

While I know living my life is the longest thing I will ever do,

it doesn't have to be lived in misery.

 

I choose what I want to wear each day, what I want to eat, what route I want to take...

why should I let some miserable bitch dictate my work life?!

 

Truth is - I don't have to

 

I live just outside San Diego, CA

Do you have any idea how many freaking jobs are out there?!

 

While I loved what I did and most of the people that I did it with, one person was ruining it for everyone.

I wish I was exaggerating, but 'm really not.

 

10 people have quit or been let go in 1 year...it's math people...

look for the common denominator and you will find it.

But, you have to look for it and actually SEE it.

A rotten apple really can ruin the whole cart.

 

I am going to stay home. 

Make yummy (moderately healthy) meals for my family.

Stay off of the California freeway system.

Clean and organize my house (already painted the kitchen and 1/2 the dining room)

Clip more coupons.

Buy more Groupons

Start making quilted fabric Christmas ornaments and hitting the local craft show circuit with my #1 sister in law (she was the first casualty of this war)

 

First day of the rest of my life starts October 22nd!

 

 

 

Starting over...again - Groundhog Day

New Year

New Life

New Goals

New Budget

 

Same old Shit

 

Lord, I hope not...

 

2014 ended in a completely shitty, fucked up...I can't believe this is happening to me kind of way...

My husband got laid off two weeks before Christmas

(did I mention he's the breadwinner- by a longshot?!)

(oh yeah - don't forget I quite my job last month,,,,)

They cancelled his insurance...for our whole family midnight the NEXT day

(yes, this while completely FUCKED up, it is completely legal)

 

the next day was our 22nd Anniversary...we tried to blow up our house.

Both of us were out of it and watched him wire up our new stove (gift from the parents)

...you got it - COMPLETELY wrong

but did that stop us?!

No - we plugged that fucker in!

 

and then

 

darkness

 

We live in a townhouse, couldn't get to the panel outside, had to call SDG&E

They got us up and running.

Anniversary I will never forget.

 

2015 isn't starting off much better...

I am working some.

They wouldn't let me quit all the way, so there is a huge blessing in disguise.

Hubby has a contingency offer or employment, but not until June and it's in L.A.

No unemployment yet and they processed the kids insurance stuff but not ours even though we submitted the same day...

 

But - it could be worse...

My dad went into surgery on January 7th to stent around 2 aneurisms...

then he bled into his abdomen - emergency surgery

then when they checked him the next day part of his small intestine died - more surgery

they took out 15 cm of small intestine and his gall bladder

then he had an a-fib problem that was fixed today with a drip

 he's on dialysis and he keeps trying to force the ventilator tube out with his tongue

they may perform a tracheotomy of him tomorrow

guess I should stop bitching...

  

Letting it go...kind of...

I mostly left my job right before Thanksgiving...

We negotiated me down to one day and week in the office

 and working from home the rest of the week.

Guess someone finally realized that if I am not working my 10- 20 hours every week...

someone else was going to have to  do it!

 

It may not be much, but it will let me make my car payment and keep the kiddos in art class

Wolf in watercolors by the Boo Boo - 8 years 

Hedgehog in oil pastels by the Bubba - 14 years

And since they pretty much rock this whole art thing...

I will suck up working with a bunch of bitchy control freaks.

 

Actually started making real dinners, packing lunches everyday except pizza day and getting my crafty on.

Can't wait to see where all this will take me!



Channeling my inner Caddy Shack

 

 

I wanted a change...

and boy am I getting it!

It's time to be the ball...

Fulfill my own destiny...

Quit my job!

 

My last day will be November 25th and then I am gearing up to go into the memory quilt business!

I love to sew!

Have done it for years.

My first job was to make cording for my mom's slip cover business when I was 9 years old.

Sitting on the front porch sewing my little fingers off for a whopping 10 cents/yard!

Made Barbie clothes, my own clothes (still wear a shirt that I made as a junior in high school), blankets, basic slip covers, quilts...etc.

I have boxes of stuff set aside to make quilts for my own girls and now I am going to do it!

Besides - I need before and after shots!

Have a few friends that I am going to do quilts for here and then I'm hitting etsy!

I will never be rich

I may not even be that successful...

But I will never be disrespected in the work force again.

It has been 17 years since I last cried and work...I quit that job.

And now I am quitting this one.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

I have a father who is very ill

I have a great friend who just completed her last chemo and getting ready to start radiation...she has 3 kids and is only 37 years old.

There are so many uncertainties in life

So many things that can make can make us happy, why on earth would I willingly go out of my way to go someplace that makes me cry?

A little thing about me - I don't cry...hardly ever...the hubby jokes that I am part Vulcan. 

 I just don't do tears...

If you see my crying, it's usually because I am frustrated and can't punch anyone.

Or I am being thrown into a meeting the minute I walk in the door to be told I am being insubordinate...

when all I did was follow directions clearly laid out in an email.

I would rather save the money I spend in gas and collect cans on the side of the road for the CA CRV (5 cents each baby!)

then work in a place that chastises you for following their rules...

I need logic and that shit doesn't  make sense.



Take this job and shove it!

I am still alive

I am still employed

for now...

turned in my notice

and on November 25th

I am outta there...

 

gearing up for a new creativity fueled

etsy driven

homespun kind of lifestyle

 

why should I worked harder

for more hours

although the paycheck is nice

I always

end up spending it on gas, convenient groceries and fast food

when I could be

staying home

sewing

making a food plan

sticking to a budget

baking for my kids

actually doing laundry

cleaning my house

 

we shall see...

Learning to balance...

Found out my big girl isn't as crooked as we thought!

 

Met with the Orthopedic Surgeon who is also my nephew's doc, got some x-rays, some scans and the results are in...

Leg length is only 3mm off, her knees only twist in slightly and it looks like she is done growing in her legs!

I still need results from the growth plate in her hand to see if she is really tapering off, but I have to wait for those for a bit.

Hoping that she is about done growing so there isn't a more noticeable difference in her face.

 

We have a physical therapy evaluation coming up to give her some extra stability with the knock knee-ness and Asperger's eval over the summer...

probably one for myself as well...

I told her that there is a good chance that I have Asperger's too...and that if I don't, I am definitely peeking over the fence...if she gets a diagnosis, I told her I would get tested too and we could get some t-shirts that say "I have Asperger's - what's your problem?!"

It would explain A LOT about my life and the way I view the world.

 

The Geneticist wants to do a genetic study on the family since we have 5 confirmed cases of the skeletal abnormality here in the area and then we can screen for the 4 little ones instead of waiting for puberty.  Can't tell if my little one will be pissed if she has it or pissed if she doesn't and feels left out...

 

I am just going to grab on to the kids when they will let me and love on them as much as I can.  Support my husband as often as I can, even though I want to throttle him half the time...

I tell most people I have three children...

 

Not sure if I am approaching a mid-life crisis, in the middle of one or finally just figuring out life a little bit more each day, but I am ready to start letting these guys start taking care of themselves a little bit and me taking care of them a little less...can you say control freak?!  I think you can!

 

It's time to let me take care of myself a little more...

 

This is not where I thought I would be in life, not with my current struggles...self induced, imaginary and real.  But what I have realized is that I am the only one that can truly change anything.  I can lead by example, I can communicate more clearly, but I am done waiting for everyone else to get in the car...mommy said it's time to go.

Someone else can be mommy a bit.

(and in the hubby's defense, he has been stepping it up a bit more)

 



There once was a crooked girl who lived in a straight world....

Well, it's official...

My oldest is lopsided

:(

 

Not the end of the world.

She has more testing to do and an appointment with my nephew's orthopedic surgeon in a couple of weeks.

We need to see if her knock-knee-ness comes from ligaments around the knee on the outside being looser than the ligaments on the inside and drawing the knees in or if it is from her bones actually twisting in.

The first option involves PT, the second, potential surgery.

There really isn't anything we can do about her face except pray it isn't too severe and start saving for plastic surgery and bone grafts.

 

The geneticist had a field day when she realized that there are 5 official, 1 potential and 5 yet to be discovered "victims" and is trying to see if Children's Hospital will authorize genetic testing on the fan-damily.

If she gets the ok, we could see if my youngest is just waiting for puberty to hit before she changes or if she dodged the bullet so to speak. 

 

Next stop Asperger's...



Getting it all out...and wishing it would go away...

My problems compared to others are pretty small...

but they are mine

and

they suck

.

My oldest is getting ready to go on a field trip across the county to D.C. which by itself is making me nervous, it's just that when she gets back her world is probably going to majorly change...

 and in more than one way.

Way #1

we are having her evaluated for Asperger's

She has always been immature and impulsive, but now that she and her peers and falling headfirst into puberty, the gap is becoming wider and her uniqueness more apparent.

I am having her evaluated so that I can make sure all the resources that are available are made accessible to her.

Way #2

A genetic anomaly for an asymmetrical skeleton that makes itself apparent during puberty.

We have an appointment with my nephew's geneticist in March.

We need to see how much of her body is being effected and get a referral to an orthopedic doctor to see if her knees are showing the same juju that her cousin's and dad's do...I want to push her to her own personal limits, but do not want her held to the same standards as her peers if they are too physically challenging for her or could cause her knee to dislocate.  We had noticed that her gait was off and she is a bit knock kneed, but didn't think it was the skeletal thing until we looked at her face.

So, we get to tell her, hey your brain doesn't process the way everyone else's does, but on the bright side, we will know why everyone thinks that you are weird...and by the way your face is starting to get call catty-wompus and we aren't sure how off center you will end up, but we can start saving for your facial reconstruction surgery now...you can have a head full of titanium like your Aunt!

The upside is that she doesn't think like a "normal" 14 year old right now and doesn't really care how she looks, but right now doesn't realize that her face is changing...hell, we didn't even notice it until the other day.

I hope and pray that her trip to D.C. is incredible and can become a "Happy Place" for her to go to when the cards she has been dealt start to bring her down.... 

While you were out...

The hubby is headed out of town for a the weekend to do a 1/2 Marathon

and I am going for a Marathon size surprise make-over on the house...

The first week of the year I organized both girls' closets...


I would show a pic, but experiencing technical difficulties...


Knowing that I am going to overhaul some things, I have let this place go...it looks like a bad episode of cops in here...it's pretty bad...and I grew up in a trailer park...I've seen bad!


I am going to shift some things on the walls
complete the gallery wall at the bottom of the stairs
get unused furniture out of the teenager's room
paint a dresser I now have placed under the stairs
hook up a new phone system
trailer park engineer 2 queens size quilts into one cal-king
sort out and purge my 4 giant boxes of "Stuff"
New blinds in the little one's balcony door
Install cork board art area on the back of her bedroom door
and general putting away of things that haven't been put away for the past two weeks


:)


Hope I can pull this off!



Things I learned on the mountain...

Grabbed the kiddos last week and headed for the hills.

Literally!

We had a family vacation at Mammoth Lakes

 

: )

 

Here are a few things that I learned...

 

1.  My hubby drives fast, but he is a badass and got us 400 miles in 6 hours.

(not a whole lot of traffic on the San Diego freeways at 4 am on a Sunday)

 

2.  20-35 mph winds with 60 mph gust will take the pinecones right off of a tree and slam them against the condo.

 

3.  Snow is awesome!  Especially when the hubby already went to the store and local brewery for beer when it was only windy.

 

4.  Kids raised at sea-level can be endlessly entertained by snow.

 

5.  I learned how to build a fire...in the fireplace of course.

 

6.  I waste too much food down here...so much more compelled to eat leftovers when the alternative involves driving on an icy road.  No jumping in the car and heading to a chain restaurant or grocery store.

 

7.  I like having only the basic cables channels...there were a ton of channel on the tv but nothing good on.

 

8.  I can read 5 books in 7 days.

 

9.  I am obscenely out of shape!  Being mostly sedentary, while being 44 and at 7,800 ft is not a good combination, but has motivated me to get up off my fat ass!

 

 



BUT I SAID I'M SORRY...REALLY, REALLY SORRY!!!!!

It is a hope of mine that my seven year old will one day soon realize that screaming "I'm Sorry" at the top of her lungs does not an apology make

I hope she also learns that some things actually ARE her fault - and very rarely her sister's

And that she will talk to us with respect

She will not raise her voice and

she will not stomp her feet when she heads up to her room

I also hope that she figures out that when I say go to your room - that isn't the best time to ask for another chance...because she has already had 2...we go the baseball rout with 3 strikes in this house.

I have no idea where some of this behavior comes from all of the sudden...

I think she is emulating her 13 year old sister...

so that means in our house we have

a 7 year old going on 13

a real 13 year old

a dad who hates his job and works too many hours

and a peri-menopausal mom that just went back to work

oh, yeah...school stated back this week too

Almost there...

In the final stretch of Back to School prep...

Living room - clean

Bathrooms - clean

Laundry room - clean

Kitchen - mostly clean and geared up for some baking this afternoon

going to try an bake ahead and freeze some "on the go" type breakfast-y things since I know were are going to be dragging our asses the first couple of weeks

Teenager's room -clean

2nd grader's room - work in progress

she has been right there with me directing me what to get rid of for a big ol' yard sale at my friend's house in two weeks...she has a better location : )

More room for her and a couple of bucks in the meantime...everything that doesn't sell will be dropped off at the thrift store on the way home.

 

Will be headed back to work tomorrow as well...been working here are there as I can to get some positive cash flow, flowing...

 

combined with the whole house purge for the yard sale...maybe we can take a little vacation during the 1st quarter break...

I don't mind making a couple of bucks on our old stuff, but at this point I just want to get unused/unloved stuff out of our house!

Our place is 1,323 sf and it can't get any bigger since we live in a townhouse community with an H.O.A. and of course we live one of the only levels (there are 5) that don't have garages!  How can levels 1,2 and 5 have garages, but not 3 & 4?  I am tired of being an expert in shoving 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag.  If we had 1 more bedroom or an actual garage, it would be a little different...maybe...we would probably just buy more crap.

Ready to embrace routine....

Back to school is almost here!

YES!

Get to find out who the little one gets for a teacher tomorrow night and then find out the 8th grader's schedule on Thursday.

 

I love that my kids are in a charter school system...but man we have to work for it.

if you don't show up to the meeting to fill out and turn in all of your paperwork and emergency contact info, you don't get their STAR tests results from previous year, don't know who their teacher is AND will lose their spot.

I honestly don't know what folks that have both parents working do around modified days, teacher work days, week long quarter breaks and so on

 

When I was young we went to school every day, ALL day long, had a few Federal holidays off, Christmas break (NOT Winter Break!) and Spring Break and I think for the most part turned out ok.

 

Now it's half day here, half day there, assemblies every time you turn around and don't forget the fund raisers!

 

ok, changed my mind...I'm not ready for them to go back to school.

Mental Illness and Heart attacks...out of the frying pan and into the fire

So my mom had to cancel her psych appointment to take my dad to the emergency room...

have I mentioned that one of the things that may have led her to "vacation" was the constant care of and fear of my dad dying at any given moment?!

 

His heart kept stopping and his enzymes were a little elevated, but them let him go...

he is quite famous at several local area hospitals for a variety of reasons, the most blatant one being that he is still alive. 

 

My mom has always been my source of information on how they are doing while my dad has always sugar coated the issue...

for example...

Dad:  I'm going in for a little procedure.

Mom:  His going to have a cow artery inserted into his forearm for dialysis

 

And now I have to depend on my dad for info on my mom.

he hasn't even looked at the paperwork from when she was released...we don't even know her diagnosis

my guess is bi-polar

and some of her cognitive tests indicate early signs of dementia...

 

so who knows, maybe her little breakdown helped them get an early diagnosis for the dementia and she can actually get some treatment that can help.

 

They only upside of this so far is that I am actually developing a relationship with my brother...it's a little late in coming, but I think we are both okay with that...he actually just called me while I was typing this to see if I was okay

 

:)

Trying to keep on with the keeping on..

Trying to be the little engine that could, but my caboose is dragging...

got totally shit-faced drunk on white Russians last night and then unloaded all my pent up emotional ju-ju on the poor hubby.

he took pity on me, bought me fast food this morning and disappeared with the girls for many hours to Balboa Park so mommy could recover

 

my mom got out of the mental hospital on Friday and is back home

talked to her this morning for a bit

going to be a long road back for her and I am not sure how to deal with it

we had a pretty rocky relationship to start with and some of her tirades did not help at all

I know she went off the deep end and was crazy, but when your mom gives you an eat shit look, tells you that she can't even look at you and then starts yelling things about me to the wall...its a little hard

 

I tried to describe it to my brother as it wasn't so much that she stabbed me in the heart, but bleeding from a thousand little cuts eventually takes its toll

 

the other part that sucks...she only got personal and nasty with me...she would repeat things to other people, make these crazy lists, try to get my 7 year old to help her sort her meds for the week and just be generally "manic" but with me she criticized my parenting, told me I was an outsider, blamed me for my father's health problems and tried to change some of our history be rewriting it in her favor...

 

They say you can't change stupid...well, I've discovered that you can't defend yourself against crazy and you can't "un-hear" things even if you know that someone wasn't in their right mind when they said them... 

Vacation...or as I like to call it - a preview of Hell...

 

If I say Vacation...

you would probably think of relaxing, comfortable, carefree days...

 

If I say Vacation on Florida's Emerald Coast...

You may add beautiful water and white sandy beaches

 

Some may even throw in a Unicorn and a rainbow or two...

 

 

None of these things happened.

Oh, don't get me wrong...the beautiful water and white beaches are still there...we just didn't really get to see them more than once...

Did I mention I was there for 4 weeks?!

 

Here's where the multiple rant/purging sessions begins..

 

the beginning...

 

Should have known something was up when our inbound plane coming to take us out of

San Diego was late that something was amiss...

Then when we hauled ass thru Houston's airport and missed the connecting flight by 3 minutes, only to find out that it left 4 minutes early...I should have started praying or burning some sage or something...

The airline put us up for the night and gave us some vouchers...really kind of them considering it was their fault.  I have no idea why that let that plane leave early...there were at least 7 of us that missed that connection and we would have made it if they had just held to the schedule.

 

I already have to take a break.

 

The preview of days to come:

setting up to care for ill father in mother's absence

monsoon like rain for 7 days

vomiting child

another vomiting child

water moccasins in back yard

snake in garage

mom's delayed plane

mom's complete mental breakdown

mom's 1st hospitalization

trip to Walmart for enemas and depends

mom's 2nd hospitalization

mom's involuntary 72 mental hold

leaving ill father to come back home while mom is going to be held for longer period of time...

 

someone start the assembly of the White Russian brigade

 

 

 

 

My life as a tree...

This is how I started out and how I am perceived by most people

 

Tall, Strong, Not easily bent or pushed over, long lasting, able to stand the test of time..

This is what I am after months and months of verbal beat downs, sarcasm, insults, dirty looks and disrespect...
 

I can only support you, console you, comfort you, so much...
I can only offer a limited amount of advice...
I can only offer so many suggestions...

before I just plain ol' run out...


I can only take so much negativity before it seeps into me
I can only take so many insults before I overflow
If you take your life out on me, who did I get to take mine out on?
The kids?
No, the buck stops here
and it sucks