Fuck, fuck, fuck and oh yeah - fuck.

Seriously turning here to rant, rave, vent, cry and just get some of this shit out.  I cannot even begin to express how my heart breaks for so many people in my life and out there in this wide world, but especially teens and young adults.  I have so many friends that have children that are struggling so much right now. 

I know that the pandemic is real, but it's the silent one that is sneaking up on all of else that has me up at night.  So many friends have their kids in therapy right now.  Some that are beginning to show signs of anxiety and depression, eating disorders, self harming, attempts to self terminate.  All of the bases are covered in the worst possible way.

My youngest had an appointment with her psychiatrist today and we going to try a 3rd antidepressant.  She was in tears and hurting herself tonight because she didn't want to take it because she doesn't think this one will be any better.  This one also has a side effect of stimulating appetite which is putting her newly developing eating disorder into a tailspin.  I know the only reason she took the pill was because I started crying.  I don't know how to help her.  

We are going into 2 years of therapy and she is only getting worse.  Started this journey trying to help her manage her anxiety and panic attacks (which she is handling like a fucking rock star!) and now we have severe depression and not eating to the point where she is no longer hungry.  She had been limiting her intake, which of course  I did not notice to full blown not eating at all (I did notice that one).  Since she has turned up the volume so to speak she has lost 19 pounds in about 6 weeks.  

Thank God we had an appointment with her pediatrician about her blood pressure issues and she noticed the weight loss since her last appointment and she asked her about it.  We were going to talk to her therapist about it the day before, but that appointment got cancelled.

So now her pediatrician, psychiatrist, therapist are on board and we are waiting for the specialized eating disorder therapist to contact us once he has all of her info and ducks in a row.

I am absolutely shitting myself over the number of people that I know personally and see or talk to on a daily basis that have a child in crisis...and they know 2 people...and they know 2 people...like a bad Faberge Organics Shampoo commercial...

I feel like she is a newborn again and I have to sneak into her room at night to see if she is ok.

so, yeah - just - fuck.