Friday, February 24, 2012

Zero to bitch in 4.3 seconds

What is my problem today?  This week?  This month?  This year?

I feel like I am in wide open bitch mode...the main cause?  who really knows...

The main victims?  my kids : (

It's soooo easy to yell at them...they are younger than me...shorter than me...for now anyway...and they are not "allowed" to talk back...

I feel like the biggest pile of shit that has ever existed on this planet...

Who the fuck am I to pick on these guys?! 

No, my children aren't perfect...they are awesome little creatures trying to figure themselves, each other and this world out just like me...I just know how much it can suck...and how unfair I am being...

To give my self a little credit and to ease your minds a's not like I yell at them a lot or too much's just pretty intense when I do...fortunately,  lately I have been telling them that I just need to walk away and I there has been less actually mommy melt-down instances...but I hate that I have them at all...

I was raised in a house where no one EVER one EVER raised their voice...maybe I am overcompensating for an something I was never able to do or me, the hubby and I had plenty of issues early on in the marriage because he was "yelling" at me...he wasn't, but it sure did feel like it at the time...

I need to find balance in myself and how I deal with trying times with my girls....I know that I will make mistakes along the way in my parenting...I just don't want to permanently damage their little souls along the way : (

Thursday, February 23, 2012's not for the weak...

I only have a part time job, but boy is it kicking my butt...

I appreciate the fact that I HAVE a job, work with people I really like AND I REALLY LIKE what I do...I am a glorified "office Bitch" but I am damn good at it and it works for us all...Basically the job I left 12 years ago to be a stay at home mommy needed help...not enough work to bring in a full timer, but too much for the crew they the office manager (who also happens to be my favorite sister in law) called and asked if I would be interested...they knew I could do the job, would only require a refresher on how things get done now and that I would sacrifice a big ol' wage for the flexibility of staying home with sick kids/volunteering at school, etc. when I needed to

It is a TOTAL win-win situation : )

It also doesn't suck having a paycheck every week either...but boy is the housework and the meal planning here suffering greatly.  I am so tired after running kids to school, going to work, coming home to pee and let the dog out before I jump back in the car to go pick up kids...then they start immediately start asking for food and if we can go do something...ummmm - no!  Homework, dinner, baths and bed please.

I know I will get into a rhythm that works for us all, but lately when I do have a day off, I just sit around and stare at the walls about, surf the web and hit the thrift stores...and now that I am on pinterest...yikes!

Tomorrow I have a full day off, going to sign my kinder up for after school care, have breakfast with my friends, hit some thrift stores and some 99 cents only stores, grocery shop and come home and try and get a meal going in the crock pot with fresh ingredients and just keep going with the baby steps of purging and is getting better, but I grow impatient...

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Who is the idiot that put me in charge?!

I really don't get it - how come I get to be "the boss"

I'm the one who:
knows where everything is
knows where it should go
knows how it got there (cause I'm the only one who puts things away)
knows where we bought it
grocery shops (unless it's an item I forgot and need picked up on the way home)
knows where the best deals are
does 97% of the laundry
takes care of my own car
takes his car into the shop sometimes (so he doesn't have to take off work)
takes kids to school
picks kids up from school
goes to school meetings
does school fundraisers
does homework
volunteers at school for 2 different teachers
pays the bills

How did I get to be in charge of all these things?  It's not that I think I do more than my husband...I honestly SUCK at a lot of these things...

My kitchen should be condemned half the time...after shopping, putting away and cooking - I don't want to stand in there for 15 more minutes to clean up.  My kitchen's footprint is 3 x 6 - that's a fucking closet and I don't want to be in it anymore except to grab a beer and for that I don't have to go all the way in...

My bed is NEVER made...laundry rarely put away...

I am inherently lazy and unmotivated...what kind of people am I raising my kids to be?  I very consciously give them a lot of physical attention...hugs, big slobbery kisses and always tell them how much I love them because I didn't get a lot of that growing up... so my kids will be slobs that know their mommy loves that ok?  Or should they have a squeaky clean house and live in an emotional vacuum?

Somebody (a.k.a me) fell asleep at the helm on this one because I am just not sure my current path is the right one and at the same time I feel helpless to change it...

I have been taking baby steps and I do believe that I will get there, but I want to get there with the least amount of collateral is getting and staying cleaner (getting rid of all our extra CRAP is helping with that) but how do you motivate others when you yourself are unmotivated?  My own parents were afraid of pushing their "gifted" child too much and so they didn't push at all...i didn't have to work very hard for the things I wanted/needed because it came pretty easily...I have children that need to work hard to get what they need and I don't know how to show them to, so I just reorganize their closets instead...I am constantly creating my own chaos (messy house) to show that I can clean it up faster and more efficiently than I had previously...

I need to just clean up my messes and walk away...not try to "one up" myself with how great I can organize all the shit we own...I don't need to live in a museum, but I do need to get rid of the chaos for my girls and start living my life as a better example...

Here's to being in charge : /

Friday, February 10, 2012

Aloha - no bueno : (

The hubby has been Hawaii again...and now instead of coming home tomorrow night he has to stay until Tuesday...

Did  I mention that my youngest came down with the stomach flu this past Sunday night?  Or that she gave it to me and I came down with it Tuesday night and held on to it thru a good part of Wednesday?  Or that he's coming back ON Valentines day?  At night?  Which just happens to be the day before my oldest's birthday and 2 days before we head over for some cabin "camping" and 12 year old birthday partying?!  And now I have to take my children with me to a baby shower at my mother in law's home (she pretty much hates me...she previous posts) because he won't be here to watch them and it's for my youngest sister in law that started the latest shit storm with aforementioned mother in law

Ok, I'm done with the I am going to start panicking a bit and possibly start shitting in my pants...again